Robin on the Road in Trerice Cornwall, UK

Robin on the Road in Trerice Cornwall, UK
Robin on the Road in Trerice Cornwall, UK

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Looking back and going forward...

Sevilla, Spain

Palm trees! Wahooo! 

(To see more photos, click on the link)
I have just been looking back at some of the older posts and I realize it has been a wild ride. I mean that literally as well as figuratively. 
After what I consider to be a debacle in Salamanca, I began to reconsider things. I began feeling very anxious toward the end of the walk into Santiago. So much so in fact, that I started having heart palp√¨tations. I have not had coffee in weeks so I know it´s not caffeine related. And please don´t worry too much. I´m being cautious and taking some steps to try and rememdy this from where I am. 
I´ve made it to Sevilla although not by bike. I needed to get out of the cold so I hopped a bus and took my bike with me. I was hoping things would improve in a warmer climate but I´m still have this anxiety and still having heart palpitations. 
So, with much consideration, I´m taking a break. I have a tentative flight back to London on the 22nd. I bought a fairly inexpensive ticket it with trip cancellation insurance so it´s possible I will continue on to Morrocco.
For now I am in a very nice hostel in Sevilla. It´s inexpensive and the staff and the owner are awesome people. I´m going to go down to the beach for a day or 2 and at least look at Morrocco and maybe put my toes in the Mediterranean.
The hardest part of all this is the idea that other people might judge me as weak or that I have failed in my mission. Of course more importantly than that is the judgement I feel toward myself. I´m wondering if I am giving up too easily. You know all the usual crap that runs through one´s mind when considering prioroties. If it was a significant physical injury, I would give myself  much more leeway. But it´s not. I´ve always grappled with the idea that there is something "not normal" about the way I´m wired, or defective. I´ve been anxious most of my life. In fact, I´ve learned on this trip that I often make impulsive decisions because I tend to be anxious. Of course intellectually I know the "not wired correctly" is bullshit. But my intellect cannot justify pedalling with heart palpitations. That just seems dangerous and stupid. My ego is NOT that big.
I was also begining to feel isolated and very lonely. That´s another bad combination. I´ve been on solo treks before, quite a few in fact and had to deal with the usual amount of being alone. I am fine in my own company but something just isnt working. 
So, is this a total failure? No, only an incompletion. I pedaled across France and half of northern Spain. I walked the other half. I think that´s a success.
There is a saying in mountaineering: ¨No mountain is successfully climbed until you´re back at basecamp".
Many mountaineering fatalities happen on the way down.
But not to be so grim abou it. Spain is awesome! I have had a great trip. Most people don´t make it out the front door. Of course this is not much consolation really because I really wanted to at least make it to Tangier by bike.  So, I only pedaled 1000 km this time instead of 2000 Km.
Thanks again for reading this.

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