Trust

Stanage Edge. 

It occurred to me recently that the one thing I have to look forward to and work really hard at for the rest of my life is trusting God. It's one thing to talk about this kind of trust but it's another thing entirely to actually do it and feel OK with it. I'm mistrustful anyway. Especially if it sounds a little hokey.

 Now before you close this page because I wrote the word "God", let me explain.....At least a little bit. If one takes the time to read the "About" gadget on the first page, you'll see why I gotta talk about this at least a little bit. I'm an alcoholic, a garden variety drunk that couldn't put the plug in the jug if my life depended on it. Eventually, my life did depend on it and I still couldn't stop...There is a base level belief for those of us who have been able to stop that kind of destructive drinking and using. That belief is that only something much bigger than me could stop me. I just call it "God". Do what you like with that fact.


Having wasted a good chunk of cyber-space writing that gibberish, I realize that I digress. What I really want to write about is my quest to live on a bicycle. Quite simply consume less and find a new kind of life. So in my zealousness to plan this "adventure", I lost track of the goal. And by the way the goal is not simply "getting there" or even "going" from here to there. It's the journey. It is supposed to be simple, yet I was all caught up in making sure all my little duckies were in a  little row. Neat and predictable. Today I heard read aloud in one of my favorite places, the chapel at St. Mark's the Poem by Wendell Berry, Manifesto of a Mad Farmer. http://www.context.org/iclib/ic30/berry/ 
After I heard that today in celebration of a Rogation day. There are 3 or 4 of them throughout the year and are marked by processions to invoke God's mercy. It was explained as priests and other holy people blessing farmers' fields for an abundant harvest. "Good idea" 'cause without farmers we'd be screwed. So, there we we re a handful of people at church today celebrating farmers.
So in all my "planning" (read: having enough $$$$$$) I lost sight of the point. Get on the bike and go.... I completely forgot to trust my own instinct to let go of outcomes and simply trust. 
Why does that strike me as somewhat comical?

New Territory

There is a fine line sometimes between grief and depression I think. Some days are pretty OK, some days I'm a total junk show. It seems random...I could have been tired today from working over the weekend and I slept like the dead of course. That helps a lot. But by the end of the morning at church I was ready for a nap. I did manage to buy some yogurt and fruit at the market. That felt successful.


I am unorganized, forgetful and find myself on my bicycle not sure where I am going. You know. it's like when you leave the bedroom for the kitchen and then arriving at the kitchen, totally forgetting what we're doing there. It helps if I retrace my steps sometimes. Then there is the pissing people off at random and not knowing why..."Whu, whaddisay, whyzzat guy so mad?"

My good friend said to me today that she's impressed I manage to get out the door with the correct shoes on the appropriate feet. I suppose...I don't know, I've never been here before.  

I do know that as an alcoholic in recovery, I don't often have a firm grasp on what's really going on around me. I often have to get reality checks from other people's perspective. There is that concept in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions that mentions something to the effect of, "alcoholics live with a pervasive sense of persecution". That's another way of saying we have a tendency toward paranoia and that the world is out to get us... How self centered is that?


It all gets back to the bicycle trip planning. Maybe I do it because I don't know what else to do with myself. It's fun surfing around on the Internet looking for random bits of info on cycling through weird and wonderful parts of the world. I mean doesn't everyone? Then there is the cycling itself. Not only does it fill up the day, it's the adventure of it.


Now that I no longer need to justify the adventure for some greater good I can simply write and cycle freely. I mean is anybody really reading this anyway?

Speaking of planning....

Speaking of planning, planning, planning. I have been trying to piece together some logistical pieces of this mad plan. So far, it's been pretty straight forward working out the details of getting from the US to London, where my eagerly awaits me. Then of course, the next thing is taking out of the attic of the house where I left it (that's another story altogether) putting it back together and packing it up. 
OK, I am going to take the train from London to Paris with the bike. Also fairly straight forward and easy enough. I'll spend a few days in Paris because I have never been and always wanted to see the Louvre. I am a member of Warmshowers.org an online touring cycling community and hope to meet some french touring cyclists for fun and information. 
Questions: Do I pedal straight out of Paris, or considering the cycle routes and what I find out, should I take the train again to Chartres and pedal from there? I want to see the cathedral there and begin my pilgrimage from the labyrinth.
Large urban areas can be terrifying on a bicycle. I have heard that the French are quite amenable to cyclists on their roads but still the congestion can be stifling. If anyone actually reads this here is something I figured out: Sundays are very quiet early in the morning. it's a great time to pedal out of town, not so much traffic. I tried this once pedaling out of Pueblo, Colorado on my first tour. That's a congested little urban area and I believe that overall American drivers are becoming less tolerant of cyclists. Once out of the city limits the countryside was spectacular as I left the high plains and headed into the Wet Mountains and the Sangre de Cristos range.
But I diverge. The real stumbling block so far is figuring out how to send a bicycle ahead on the Camino Santiago a Compostela. Again, I have a plan. Dangerous territory I know. I would like to arrive at St. Jean Pied De Port on the french side of the Pyrenees and walk from there or Roncesvalles on the Spanish side. even tough there is a cycle community of pilgrims, it is traditional to walk although I also know that nobles in the days of old often rode their horses.
But walking has a much different feel to it. I love cycling, it's great and it is much better than driving. And even though cycling does put us in touch with the lay of the land, the smells, sounds, people...Walking can produce and ethereal effect. I once walked from somewhere in Vermont to the coast of New Hampshire. I did hitch a few rides here and there but mostly I just walked the quiet back roads of northern new England.
but I diverge once again. I would like to have my bike in Santiago at the end of the Camino in order to continue my ride south in the west of Spain.
So. I am trying to find a company that will ship my bike ahead and store it for me until I get there. The Confraternities of St. James have been useful as there are so many online resources that never existed before.

Isn't it funny. People have been walking the Camino for...what a thousand years or more and I think I need the Internet. Maybe I'm making this too complicated....

Then again....

.....there is always the second guessing..."Oh my God, what have I done?" I get a wild hare and come up with some wingding, half baked plan and then run with it...That's all fine and good. But then I start talking about it and that's when it starts to become real. That's because in the western culture we live in, it seems like success is measured in accomplishment which is very much attached to our egos.
of course my ego has an investment in this otherwise I wouldn't do it...However, once I give this half baked wild scheme voice to others, now I'm obligated. At least in my mind anyway...I could back off and forget the whole thing I suppose...What purpose would that serve? I have backed off the summits of a few mountains and that's a tough call...Maybe the weather looked threatening, it was already an hour past my turn around time, I ran out of water, I was really exhausted or whatever....The decision is always tough as I think to myself, "I've been climbing this rock pile for hours, I can see the summit, it's only 500 more feet straight up. What will THEY say if I quit now?" That's a very dangerous place for a mountaineer. Ego kills more adventurers than anything.
Do I really need to "justify" my adventures to anyone? I don't think so. I will cycle 1,000 miles for the simple reason that I can...
There are those with a similar history or her-story to mine, who can't find their way to the grocery store for a loaf of bread. I am lucky, blessed and grateful to have my mental faculties somewhat intact.
More on that later...

Planning, planning, planning......

I have 3 months to plan this trip.  By the way, my next ride? Paris to Morocco with a stop in northern Spain to walk the Camino Santiago Compostela.  Not a bad time frame really... But you know what they say about "plans". It's a good way to make God laugh...
I read an article in Adventure Cycling Magazine (adventurecycling.org) about how to put together a 2 year gap. Among other things is to sell most of one's stuff. I have been thinning down for years. I just can't figure out where all the new crap comes from. Anyway, I just went through a large black heavy duty plastic box in the garage. I have no fewer than 3 tents, 3 stoves, headlamps, back-country ski skins, shovel, probe and beacon. Not to mention the MSR droms and a bunch of other stuff.
There's a gold mine in there! 
My landlady just informed me that I should find another place for the summer. There is nothing like a little pressure to get one moving forward. It's May 6. I have until June 1.
If you read my "about" page, you would know I have some pretty bad anxiety to begin with. I've gotten much better about preventing my own panic attacks. Action, a strong spirituality that includes prayer and meditation and some good supportive, loving friends help ALOT!!!!
Instead of panic, I went into action sorting stuff. I am going to have one heck of a garage sale.
And this little post does not even begin to look at all the hours looking at maps on the Internet, reading through forums, posting onto forums, reading guide books etc etc...
It's funny I tend to think of myself as somewhat impulsive at times.