There is a fine line sometimes between grief and depression I think. Some days are pretty OK, some days I'm a total junk show. It seems random...I could have been tired today from working over the weekend and I slept like the dead of course. That helps a lot. But by the end of the morning at church I was ready for a nap. I did manage to buy some yogurt and fruit at the market. That felt successful.
I am unorganized, forgetful and find myself on my bicycle not sure where I am going. You know. it's like when you leave the bedroom for the kitchen and then arriving at the kitchen, totally forgetting what we're doing there. It helps if I retrace my steps sometimes. Then there is the pissing people off at random and not knowing why..."Whu, whaddisay, whyzzat guy so mad?"
I do know that as an alcoholic in recovery, I don't often have a firm grasp on what's really going on around me. I often have to get reality checks from other people's perspective. There is that concept in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions that mentions something to the effect of, "alcoholics live with a pervasive sense of persecution". That's another way of saying we have a tendency toward paranoia and that the world is out to get us... How self centered is that?
It all gets back to the bicycle trip planning. Maybe I do it because I don't know what else to do with myself. It's fun surfing around on the Internet looking for random bits of info on cycling through weird and wonderful parts of the world. I mean doesn't everyone? Then there is the cycling itself. Not only does it fill up the day, it's the adventure of it.
Now that I no longer need to justify the adventure for some greater good I can simply write and cycle freely. I mean is anybody really reading this anyway?